A Heart Full of Love & A Hand Full of Poo

This parenting gig is no joke. Some days are really good, some days are really bad, and what I’ve recently discovered is that it is okay to have bad days. Tomorrow is a new day, a chance to start fresh, a chance to be better than I was today. I, as a mom, definitely need that restart more often than I care to admit.

I heard a quote the other day that says, “Motherhood is not for the weak”. It wasn’t inspiring to me or anything, it just got stored somewhere in my mind apparently, because it kept replaying in my mind one particularly difficult morning. It had been a very, very long few weeks with the baby waking up multiple times during the night (he slept better as a newborn!) and the toddler waking up 2 hours earlier than normal. The sleep deprivation and exhaustion I was feeling had come to a head, and I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I was sitting on the floor, nursing the baby, tears streaming down my face. Not just a few tears, but the “ugly cry” tears. Deacon, playing quietly with his trucks and blocks, notices that I am crying, comes over to me, looks at me with his big blue eyes, and says, “Mommy sad”. I nod in agreement that mommy is feeling a little sad. He stands up, turns around, and walks out of the room with purpose. No more than 10 seconds later, he returns with one square of toilet paper in his hand. He promptly walks back over to me and uses this teeny piece of toilet paper to wipe my tears. After he is satisfied that he has wiped all the tears off of my red, blotchy, and swollen face he exclaims, “Mommy happy!” The poor boy was probably so confused as to why this little statement caused the tears to start flowing again. My mama heart was tearing apart; on one hand I felt so grateful and happy for this sweet moment, and on the other hand so guilty at the same time for not doing more, not being good enough.

That quote “motherhood is not for the weak” just kept going and going in my mind this entire morning. All that I could think was I’m weak, I’m weak, I’m weak. I can’t do this, I’m weak. But now that I’m getting a few more hours of sleep at night and am starting to feel like myself again, I know that I’m not weak. I may have had a moment of weakness, but that doesn’t mean I’m weak. Yes, this last month was hard, but I survived and I’m on the other side. I can’t really say that I’m better for it; I was impatient, I was angry, I was hard on myself, I let my emotions get the best of me, and I swore more than I ever have (don’t worry, not in front of Deacon, that kid is a sponge and soaks up everything). But I can say I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned or was reminded:

• that being a good mom doesn’t mean being a perfect mom,
• that mom-guilt is a very really thing,
• that comparison truly is the thief of joy,
• that you don’t know what someone is going through,
• that hurtful words and shaming others can hurt people,
• that being kind goes a looooooong way,
• that a smile and being understanding or empathetic can change someone’s day,
• that happiness can be found even on the darkest days.

This last Mother’s Day, my mom wrote in a sweet card to me, “Find happiness in whatever stage of life you are in, for it passes all too quickly”. This is something that I have been trying so hard to do. Someday I’m going to miss this stage of life. I’m going to miss being able to hold my baby in my arms,  listening to Deacon say “Mom, mom, mom” over and over again in his little voice, and covering their faces in kisses anytime I want.

In a 30-minute timeframe I have been handed poop, been thrown up on, and cleaned a diaper blowout that could have set a world record. Sometimes you just gotta laugh, wash your hands, and drench the poopy onesie in stain remover and cross your fingers that it comes clean. As unglamorous as these moments are, they are ones that I will remember and cherish; I might not miss these exact moments but I’m grateful for the memories we are making. Even though some days, some weeks, some months are hard, I’m truly trying to find happiness in every stage of life.

Choose happiness, create memories, cherish moments.

-Marcel